Hillary Will “Get to the Bottom” of UFOs

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Americans are used to taking political promises with a grain of salt, but it’s been a while since a presidential candidate made a vow this extraordinary. In promising to pursue the question of alien life, Hillary Clinton finally found something to recommend herself to the presidency beyond her gender.

In an interview with the Conway Daily Sun in New Hampshire, Clinton was asked about UFOs. “Yes, I’m going to get to the bottom of it,” she said. “I just hope it’s not like Independence Day.”

Clinton, in fact, believes it’s possible that extraterrestrials have already been here. “I think we may have been (visited already). We don’t know for sure.” She said that her campaign chairman, John Podesta, was a sci-fi fanatic. “He has made me personally pledge we are going to get the information out. One way or another. Maybe we could have, like, a task force to go to Area 51.”

Before going to all that trouble, start with the outgoing president. His decisions might finally make sense if he turned out to be an alien. It would certainly be a fascinating conclusion to the birth certificate debate.

The paper alludes to an interview Bill Clinton did last year where he dismissed the Area 51 rumors, claiming to have inspected the site himself. This means that either there are no aliens hanging out in Nevada…or they are conservative-types who couldn’t be persuaded to vote for him. When a Democrat finds someone in this country that shouldn’t be, this is the sole consideration.

It is assumed that Hillary was only joking, but maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she will indeed be the president who finally blows the lid off the government’s deepest secrets. If that means exposing an old spaceship in a warehouse somewhere, fair play. But what if it means first contact? Are we sure we want Hillary Clinton to be Earth’s ambassador to the stars?

See, the 2016 election grows more important by the day.

The question is – which Republican candidate would make the best first impression on our alien visitors?

Jeb Bush? If we suspect the aliens are hostile, Bush might be able to lull them to sleep with a meandering speech.

Ted Cruz? He’s probably the closest thing to intelligent life we have in Washington, but woe be unto the aliens if they can’t justify their presence constitutionally.

Chris Christie? A fine choice, but only if you’re hankering for an intergalactic war. Which, to be fair, might be unavoidable.

Donald Trump? He would likely handle first contact with ease, but we would have to keep the aliens off Twitter for the next couple of days.

Maybe, when it’s all said and done, it should be Hillary after all. Anyone who can lie to a congressional committee for 12 hours straight can surely put on a brave face for our extraterrestrial guests. Who knows? Maybe aliens will be as easily charmed as the average Democrat voter.